Sure, Charleston is closing the books on one of the most violent years on record. But you can find the facts on all those high-profile homicides anywhere. Only the City Paper trolls the dusty police files each week to find the real gems that have made this a year to remember. From bitch-slapping your mama (and grandma) to calling in advance of your bank robbery, from stuffing cookie dough down your pants to stuffing tobacco, pot, porn, bullets, and blades in your middle-school backpack, we thank you, Charleston, for giving us crime that we can smile about (okay, smirk about). These nuggets come with our humor and commentary. This is not a court of law, so no one has been found guilty.
- When a schoolboy's backpack was searched, an officer found tobacco, two .22-caliber bullets, 10 firecrackers, a baggie of pot, a boxcutter blade, a marijuana magazine, one page of pornographic material, and two crack-like rocks. Looks like someone is majoring in the "Three Rs" – Reading, Writing, and getting Royally fucked up.
You know how you feel when you want to reach out and touch someone? Well, these are like that, only instead of you, it's Norman Bates.
• "I need to see you. If you won't, then I'll have to come there and hurt you."
• "I'm going to burn your car with all your clothes in it if you don't give me $450."
• In May, an MUSC employee had been receiving phone calls, text messages, and e-mails from the wife of one of her coworkers. The wife, convinced that her husband is having an affair with the woman, left messages saying, "You are going to pay," "You will hurt like I'm hurting," "I'll ruin your career," and, "The game is over." Talk is cheap — thanks to SunCom.
• Prophecy-Fulfilling Threats O'The Year: "I'll give you something to call the police about." and "You better call the police for what I'm going to do to you."
• "I am going to follow you home and find out where you and your family live. I will set off a chemical bomb in your family's neighborhood, then come after you after I take care of your family."
• "That's it. This is war. You better be afraid."
• A man called a Meeting Street bank on Nov. 6 and asked for the names of the managers of the bank's branches in Summerville, Charleston, and Mt. Pleasant. The teller gave him the names, and the man said, "Tomorrow I am going to shut down the branches." He hung up, but then called back one minute later to say, "Do not tell anyone what we talked about. If you tell anyone, I will know." If he had any doubts, he'll definitely know she told now.
• "I'm being really polite right now, but what I'd really like to do is gouge your eyes out with a knife."
MISSPELLED WORDS O' THE YEAR: "pourch", "lound", "alcholic", "invistagate", "intent to distribute herion", "Charelston", "strucked the victim", "the victim had a severe stork"
- On Jan. 3, police arrested a man who had been riding a road-illegal toy motorcycle on Fishburne Street, where he was stopping rush-hour traffic. After being told he was under arrest, the man yelled, "What the fuck man! What I did? What I did?" He continued to curse and physically fight the cops. Dude, you were caught on a pussy bike – deal.
DUMB, DRUNK AND DRUGGED CRIMINALS ARE EASY
Hey, these guys were just looking for a night on the town, or in the pen. You know, whatever works.
• A 30-year-old male entered Charleston Police Department headquarters during the early morning hours of Jan. 22, frantically yelling at officers behind the front desk, "They're after me!" He then entered a restricted room, pushed the officers attempting to control him, and claimed that he had been "speedballing all night." Do the police even have to try anymore?
• On April 29, a drunken man stumbled around the parking lot of a Meeting Street gas station, walked into a parked car, and nearly fell on someone trying to enter the store. When approached by a cop, the man said, "You can't arrest me for walking around drunk because I'm not driving." He was then arrested for public drunkenness. No word if he's been charged for public stupidity.
• Cops were called to a Savannah Highway 24-hour breakfast spot on June 25 because a drunken man was wandering from table to table yelling profanities. When they asked him to leave, he just sat down in a booth. They finally cuffed him, but he got away and hopped into the back of an SUV being driven by one of his friends. When cops tried to grab him again, he kicked and punched them. Luckily, the officers weren't scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, or topped.
DRUG HIDING PLACE O' THE YEAR: Between one's butt cheeks.
- TYPO O' THE WEEK: "Shiplifting"
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE...AND A RESTRAINING ORDER
It's time to gather 'round the tree and give gifts to loved ones to show just how much you care. In a related note, we better get that Playstation 3, bitch, or it's curtains for you.
• A local doctor's office called the cops on Jan. 30 after a woman, 51, slapped her aged and graying mother in the face. When questioned about the incident, the nearly deaf 86-year-old victim said, "It was more an attention-getter than assault."
• Explanation O' The Week: "I'm going to jail because I only hit my grandmother twice."
• On June 11, a woman walked out of a Folly Road restaurant to find the back window of her SUV smashed. Confused, she checked her voicemail and heard a message from her ex-boyfriend saying, "I hope you like your rear window, bitch." No, but we're sure she appreciated the heads up.
• A young female suspect was accused of stealing two Last Supper God rings ($500), a 2004 class ring from West Ashley High ($250), and a Jesus pendant and bracelet ($950). The suspect sent a text message to the victim, her boyfriend, saying she had pawned the jewelry to get money to buy a car. Her message: "You fuck with me, so I'm going to fuck with you." Jesus saves? No, Jesus pays.
HERE'S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER:
1 naked and unmedicated bipolar man
1 small bowl of cooking oil
1 set of nunchuks
1 Tae-Bo tape
• A James Island woman called the cops on Oct. 26 after being harassed and stalked by her ex-husband. He'd called her cell phone 30 times in one day and constantly bothered her and her coworkers. One of his more memorable voicemails said, "You better not go home tonight, and yes, that's a threat." At least he knows it's always important to leave detailed messages.
• Speeding Excuse O' The week: "I'm trying to catch up with my wife. She's cheating on me!"
• On April 21, a 48-year-old woman complained to police about the 11 threatening messages her husband left on her cell phone one night. The threats included: "I will kick your fucking door in," "I'm going to slam you," and "You better beware." She saved the messages on her phone so she can listen to them at night — you know, in case she gets lonely.
• An off-duty cop working security at a Sam Ritt department store last week walked up to a female clerk, pointed to his holstered pistol, and said, "I'll fuck you up." Both the officer and his fiance, who also works at the store, said the two joke about beating each other up all the time. Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone gets shot in the face.
• A man browsing a Meeting Street convenience store on June 4 asked the female cashier out on a date. She said no, so he called her a "nigger lover," and left. A few minutes later, he had a change of heart and came back to apologize. He said, "Here's a joint for you," and left just that on the counter. Every kiss begins with jay.
• Cops were called to a Peyton Street home on March 31 where two sisters were in a fight in which one girl hit the other in the face with a coffee mug. The blow caused swelling under her left eye and cuts to her face. Both women declined to press charges, but an officer suggested they stay at their parents' home. Maybe they should try decaf.
BLOTTER NICKNAMES O' THE YEAR: "Sleepy" "Booty" "L'il C" "Winny" "Boogy""
BLOTTER: THE EARLY YEARS
We all have things from our school days that we regret doing (or convincing pledges to do). Here's hoping these "youthful indiscretions" don't come back to haunt you whipper snappers.
• On Jan. 5, cops found a substance believed to be marijuana in a local middle-schooler's backpack. The 13-year-old claimed the pot had been placed in his bag by another student. You know what we here at the City Paper call someone who puts bags of drugs in our backpacks? Our best friend in the whole world.
Around last call on March 18, a large and festive crowd gathered around a downtown hot dog stand, impeding pedestrian traffic. When officers asked one man to move, he was noncompliant and rude and remained in the same spot, saying, "Well, let's just talk about how much I'm blocking traffic." ("Our beat-down has a first name, it's O-f-f-i-c-e-r ...")
A young man was approached in a local mall by 16 to 20 teenage boys on July 30. They challenged him to a fight and called him a "kike." The victim said he didn't know the subjects and was unsure of their names. We've got a name for ya ... Mel Gibson.
- BLOTTER DRUG HIDING PLACE O' THE WEEK: Dreadlocks
A downtown elementary school teacher was $41 short when she checked inside her purse at the end of the school day on Oct. 23. One kid was 41 junior bacon cheeseburgers richer.
• In the wee hours of Feb. 12, a cop responding to a loud party on Smith Street entered the backyard and asked to see the I.D. of a CofC student holding a beer, who immediately became combative. The student hit the officer in the chest and was detained. While cuffing the man, a female partygoer slapped the cop. Madness ensued. By the time this fiasco was over, three males and two females were involved and the officer ended up with a broken wrist. Who do these kids think they are, tennis players? Go Cougs!
LOVE YA BLOTTER O' THE YEAR: On July 9, a woman noticed her iPod was missing from her bedroom dresser. When reporting the missing item, she mentioned there was an inscription on the back reading, "Thinking of me while you listen? Priceless. —D.D." Even if her MP3 player was stolen, we all know what the real crime here was.
FIVE FIVE-FINGER SPECIALS:
5. On April 4, a 48-year-old man walked out of a King Street grocery store with two 24-packs of Natty Light without paying for them. As an officer on security patrol approached him, the man dropped the beer on top of a trash can and ran. Was it the cop, or the realization he'd heisted some stank-ass beer?
- On Nov. 28, plainclothes officers were patrolling Waterfront Park due to a recent string of incidents involving laundry soap in the pineapple fountain. The cops confronted three men carrying a gallon jug that appeared to contain something soapy. The men said they were pledges from a local fraternity on a scavenger hunt and their list of duties included obtaining a gallon jug of urine and taking a photograph in front of the fountain. Either those guys are expert pee collectors, or this is the best lie the City Paper has ever heard.
4. Two men entered an Upper King Street men's store on Feb. 11 and asked for free cologne samples. While an employee bent behind the counter to grab the samples, one man grabbed a $110 umbrella and $1,000 worth of ties. The other man left without his cologne samples. Be on the lookout for two well-dressed, stinky thieves.
3. The manager of a King Street discount store called the cops on Oct. 16 to report that a man had left the store without paying for some items. The man was found on Huger Street carrying a paper bag containing five bottles of lotion and hand wash that he admitted to taking. Only five bottles of lotion? Amateur.
2. An employee at a N. Charleston store known for its markdowns noticed a woman removing four bottles of perfume from their boxes and placing them in her purse on Feb. 3. The bottles included Davidoff, Elizabeth Arden, True Love, and Curve. Apparently, you don't have to be a Parisian hooker to get arrested in North Chuck, just smell like one.
1. A man was busted on June 11 in a King Street grocery store for tucking a package of Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookie dough into his trousers. He was arrested and the merchandise was returned to the store, where it will promptly be sold to someone who has no idea it hung out in a dude's pants for awhile.
BLOTTER WTF O' THE YEAR: "White people should not be treated like this."
ATTACK ON THE GOOD SAMARITANS
Sometimes that Southern hospitality really bites you in the ass. There's a reason people don't make eye contact on the streets of New York.
• A man intervened on four white males preparing to fight a lone black man outside a Market-area bar in the wee hours of May 12, only to have the foursome turn on him, call him a "nigger lover," and pound on him enough that he needed seven stitches in his head. On a happy note, someday those four men will burn in hell.
• A guy was leaving a bar near Meeting Street when a man approached him asking for food. The guy told him, "I won't buy you food, but I'll buy you some beer." They both went into a nearby gas station, where the guy purchased two 24-ounce cans of Miller High Life. After turning on Mary Street, outside of the store, the man hit the good Samaritan over the head, punched him eight times, kicked him in his ribs, and stole $100 from his wallet. Maybe he did just want food after all.
• On April 23, a woman standing on Market Street noticed a man coughing violently and asked if he needed help. In return for her concern, the man grabbed her breast and pulled her tank top down. When she confronted the man about the indiscretion, he yelled, "Get the fuck out of my face." The man was later described by police as "overtly and grossly intoxicated." Not to mention smoooooth with the ladies.