Are you looking for the man you will marry and with whom you will build the rest of your life? A man of strength, humor, wealth, and a man who will fix your every problem ... whether it is a leaky faucet, busted "rabbit," or a broken heart?
Well, the good news is that I have the man for you. The bad news is that you have to date me first.
You see, women always marry the next man that they date after me. I don't know why this happens, but it does, and these marriages always work out to be very long, happy, and filled with love. For whatever reason, I am a touchstone to good marriages.
I believe that we all have some gift that we can bring to the universe. Mine happens to be that I can make the next man look like a dreamboat.
Back when I was a touring comedian, I was the set-up or middle guy and would generally do just fine. Then Seinfeld or Robin Williams or even Sinbad would come in and close the show and kill. At the end of the night, I would collect my $125 and Seinfeld or whoever would thank me for helping them as they got into their waiting limo filled with models and champagne. I would go back to the Comfort Inn where I would comfort myself with a vanilla milkshake and the thought that somewhere on the planet there was the right girl for me.
The funny thing is that I had completely forgotten about my power to build successful marriages. It would be like Superman forgetting that he could fly and bend steel.
You see, I used to date. I would have relationships with girls named Lisa or Karen or Becky and then they would marry the next guy that they dated. This happened literally seven or eight times in a row. It did not matter if I dated the girl once, for a week or for a year, she married the very next person that she dated. It got to be a family joke.
Then I did something completely out of the ordinary for me, I married a girl I was dating. It was a very brief marriage and she pointed out at many stages that I was not very good at it.
I took the break-up rather hard and decided that I needed some time to think about the whole concept and reality of dating and marriage.
So, I didn't date for 10 years. I find that 10 years is about the time I need to think about any given dilemma because I am a slow thinker.
Anyway, over the winter of '05, I bumped into a lady that I have known for years. I always had an admiration for her honesty, clarity, perseverance, hopefulness, and the fact that she is damn hot. We hung out as friends and then she did something totally unexpected. She did not run or call the police when I kissed her.
We had a lovely month, until she realized that I was firmly committed and would forever stay firmly committed to three things: 1) my life of charity, 2) my life of simplicity, and 3) my life as the jerk I am.
We broke up in an e-mail.
I have a genius friend named Doug Logan. Doug is the manliest of manly men, ridiculously handsome, a harbor pilot, mechanical, a wit, a man that makes me seem like 1/8th of a man. Oh, and married.
Anyway, Doug told me that you should wait an equal amount of time that you dated an old girlfriend before calling an old girlfriend on the phone so that you can remain "friends."
So, I waited three months before I called Ms. Honesty/Clarity, figuring that she could use the extra couple of months to get the stench of me out of her hair. I figured by that time, she would perhaps be dating again and no longer be mad at me for the fact that I am who I am.
Anyway, I called all friendly and bubbly, and she came back doubly bubbly in announcing that she was getting married. Naturally, she told me that it was to the guy that she dated right after me.
She went on and on about their great love and commitment to each other but I was only hearing about 23 percent of what she was saying because bells were going off in my head saying, "Brother, you're back!! You GD crowd-pleaser!! It's your job to go forth and bring together as many fabulous marriages as possible! Do NOT deny your calling!!!.
So, here's the deal, the best I can figure it. To have a happy marriage, you do have to date me. It can be once, it can be for a week. It doesn't have to take long.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that you do have to kiss me. All these other women that went on to successful marriages did kiss me. Sorry.
So, for the good of our nation, for the good of humanity, for the good of women, and for the sacred concept of marriage ... I am willing to date again.
Since I am not capable of being a great man, please allow me to lead you to a great man. So there it is, all ladies 18-80, with the help of pals, I'll be checking Friendster, Yahoo Personals, Gerald's, and Jiffy Lube for you.