I hope that I'm not alone in this, but I have to get something off my chest: Mark Sanford, you've overstayed your welcome, buddy. It's time to go.
Wow. I feel better. But only a little bit. That just wasn't enough. I've got too much built up inside me, too much I've got to get out, too many annoyances I have to bid farewell to. Here goes:
Hey Mary Murphy, I know you're like a big-time judge on So You Think You Can Dance, but it's time to pack up your tap shoes and take your orgasmic fits of enthusiasm and get the hell off my TV. Your frequent use of exclamation points in everything you say is simply too much. And, frankly, kind of scary. Leave. Now.
The same goes to you, Mr. Hangover. Yeah, I realize that a lot of hard work went into bringing you here today — Jim Koch at Sam Adams, the gang at Monday Night Football, you guys really put in overtime on this one — but it's time to say arrivederci, pal. No one really wanted you around in the first place. You were only invited to the party out of pity. See you next Tuesday.
Last but not least, I've got something to say to the NAACP: the whole Confederate flag boycott you've got going on, it's time to call it off. Yes, you've convinced the folks at the ACC to nix a plan to host their 2011-2013 baseball tournaments in Myrtle Beach as punishment for South Carolina's continued display of the Confederate flag on Statehouse grounds, but that's it.
The thing is, you guys can't win. Your opposition is too dang stubborn. Lee surrendered, but these Rebel flag lovers won't. The boycott is a lost cause. It's time to change tactics.
Fortunately, I've got a foolproof plan that'll help you, the NAACP, get exactly what you want. And it all starts with a simple act: it's time to stop the bitching and time to pick up the Confederate flag and wave it all around, enthusiastically, joyfully. Embrace it. Own it.
After all, if anybody has the right to that flag, it's the people you represent. Nobody shed more blood, sweat, and tears to keep the Confederate flag flying than your forebears. Nobody. It's high time you let the masses know in a language that everybody can understand.
And that language is called marketing.
I'd start with a line of baby products — things like pacifiers, rattlers, milk bottles, teething rings.
And we don't have to stop with children either. You can slap the image of the Confederate flag on nearly anything, and it will sell — band-aids, trash bags, wrapping paper, M&M-style chocolate candy, cotton swabs.
I know there are probably some doubters out there. I understand. I had my doubts too. That is until I found a company on the internet called PrankPlace.com, which sells Confederate flag toilet paper. Then I knew this scheme would not only work, but it could make millions.
But all of that takes time. You can't just slap a Confederate flag sticker on a rubber you found on the street and call it Stonewall Condoms. (Slogan: You can charge at us all you like, but nobody is getting through.) Nope. You need somebody who has the money to finance such a huge endeavor, and, quite honestly, that's not me. My bank account is no Dirk Diggler.
That said, you can still get this new era in protestery off to a good start, and you can do it with Confederate flag boxers. They're already out there. You don't have to make them. Think about it: You'll be giving your supporters the opportunity to bust a sag and say at the same time, "This flag is mine. I own it. It doesn't own me."
If you, the NAACP, put just an ounce of the effort into this new mission that you put into the boycott, the Confederate flag will be off the Statehouse grounds quicker than Joe Wilson can say, "You lie," apologize, and recant.
There is money to be made here, and more importantly, a cause to be won. You can either take my advice and get this over with, or we can deal with another 10 years of getting nothing done.
And personally, I'd rather see the ACC baseball tournament back in the Palmetto State sooner rather than later.