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Survival Tips for the Undead

The Scene



Survival Tips for the Undead

No. 1 — Be vigilant

When an urbane, intellectual zombie (always stumping for "chaaaange") closes in on what used to be your shoo-in presidential campaign, leak to the media pictures of him wearing traditional Somali elder garb, thus fueling mistaken speculation that he's really a Muslim.

No. 2 — Be clever

When federal regulator zombies charge you with swindling Lowcountry investors out of millions of dollars, act like your brain has already been eaten, thus explaining your sudden amnesia while under house arrest.

No. 3 — Be surprised

When the zombies in the liberal media ask for a comment on this summer's rising gas prices (predicted to hit $4 per gallons), as president, you should act shocked and then claim you never heard such economic forecasts.

No. 4 — Be proactive

When the zombie on your back (i.e., drugs, alcohol, brains) threatens to upend your acting career, enter rehab again and again. If that doesn't work, indulge the public's interest in nudity and necrophilia by giving a poor imitation of Marilyn Monroe while posing naked for a hip magazine.

No. 5 — Be stubborn

When you're finally caught injecting ZGH (aka Zombie Growth Hormone), deny it till you're blue in the face, even under oath before a Congressional subcommittee investigating doping in Major League Baseball, which should be easy since, as a zombie, you're already blue in the face. —John Stoehr

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