Curling up in bed with a nasty upper respiratory infection and a stack of books fresh from my Amazon Christmas wish list, I once again became reacquainted with the works of the famous comic artist pioneer R. Crumb.
Though I can appreciate the work he did during his Haight-Ashbury days, I found myself more fascinated by his later stuff, in which he confesses to his fetishes. In his biographical illustrations, Crumb unapologetically reveals his fancy for thick female legs adorned with a pair of chunky high-heeled shoes, his obsession with powerful-looking ladies submitting to uncomfortable poses for his amusement, and his favorite trait in the opposite sex — the "bean" effect, which refers to the shape a woman's torso makes when her ass juts out like a window air-conditioning unit.
Though most of my friends flip through his books with looks of shock and awe, I find Crumb's brutal honesty endearing. I think it's great that he's eager to articulate his debauched fantasies (and has even found a wife, Aline Kominsky-Crumb, who not only is another fiercely frank cartoonist, but also seems to have no problem indulging his perversions as well as her own). It gives me hope that there truly is someone out there for everyone — no matter how unusual your "thing" may be.
Triggered by this realization, I decided to put the internet to the use the good Lord intended and see what kind of wacky, off-the-wall fetishes I could uncover. And while some kinks made me yearn for a good eye-bleaching, most were just bizarre, but harmless and unexpected.
For example, ever heard of chremastistophilia? It's the fetish of being robbed. I recommend anyone who falls into this category to walk along upper Meeting Street while thumbing through your wallet on a late Friday night. And then there's nasophilia, involving the sexual attraction of a big nose, which helps explain Howard Stern's appeal to certain women. Or how about ochlophilia? That's being turned on while stuck in a large crowd. And yet another reason I'll be avoiding the Annual Cooper River Bridge Run this year.
It's amazing to me that certain fetishes are so popular that they even have a name. What would you do if you went on a date and everything was going swimmingly until the guy confessed that he's a coulrophiliac — he's sexually aroused by clowns. Maybe he's a furry and wants to "yiff" (that's right, ladies and gents, I now know the slang word for "furry mascot sex") Or he's into eproctophilia — the fondness for flatulence. Which might explain why he took you to La Hacienda in the first place.
As for someone who's been very vocal in the past over her appreciation of just straightforward sex with no major bells and whistles, I might also be a fetishist myself. I learned of the term "alphmegamia," which is an attraction to older men, something I have admitted to time and time again in this column. So maybe we all have something a little "off" that turns us on, just to different degrees. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, it's easy to reach out and touch someone with a common kink. You are not alone, my freak-flag-flying friends. Just don't look to me to fulfill your adult-baby fantasies.