News+Opinion » The Chase Is On

THE CHASE IS ON ‌ Going Stag

Happy "holi-date" to you



When the angel Gabriel descended upon the earth to inform Mary that she was chosen to bear the son of God, I wonder if she had any idea how his birth would be celebrated 2,000 years later. Obviously Jesus did, since he died for our sins and all.

More so than any other holiday, Christmas is celebrated with over-the-top gusto and alcohol-driven debauchery. I'm convinced people drink more in this month than any other time of the year, not just because of the holiday pressures (though that certainly plays a part), but because of the number of parties being thrown all around town. I've already penciled in four holiday fetes on my calendar, and have been told that more invitations are on the way. I love a good party, but that makes even a gentile like myself go, "Oy vey."

Unlike last year, I have made the choice to go alone. Well, I didn't actually make the choice — it was made by default. I automatically thought of three entertaining males from my platonic stable of studs to invite, but being the procrastinator that I am, I asked a little too late. Either they had to work or had already made plans, but were all genuinely bummed — I mean, who doesn't love free booze and toothpick-skewered Swedish meatballs? After my third strike, Bachelor No. 3 said, "I'm sure we can think of someone who's available," to which I replied, "I'll go stag before I go desperate."

And then it hit me. Why not go stag?

None of the guys I'm inviting are anything more than a good friend and a fun date, and my only current romantic interest lives way out of town. It's not like I haven't gone to places alone before — in fact, that's generally how I choose to roll. As Pee-Wee Herman once said, "I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

So why did I feel the need to get on the horn and find a free male escort right away? Having a date, whether platonic or romantic, is a security blanket. If the party sucks, at least you have someone to partake in the free Grey Goose vodka with while enjoying each other's company. Also, you don't have to worry about anyone drunkenly hitting on you ... unless you want them to. You'll have the "I'm here with a date" or "Oh no, we're just friends" option. On top of that, it's nice to have someone watch your back, just in case you take one too many shots of Grand Marnier and decide now would be a good time to relive your days as a Coyote Ugly bartender.

Not only does no one want to be alone during the holidays, but no one wants people to think they're alone for the holidays either. Though their sympathy is well-meaning, it's misplaced. The best way to avoid such unnecessary pity is by having a date on your arm at all holiday functions — a "holi-date," if you will. Of course, that's assuming that all the other partygoers aren't so wrapped up in their own jingle bell bullshit to even care.

So go stag, eat, drink, and be merry! If it wasn't for his posse of disciples, that's how Jesus would've rolled.

Add a comment