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THE CHASE IS ON ‌ On the Sex Wagon

A modern girl goes celibate, temporarily

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By the time this column is published, I will have just turned the big 2-8. My mother recently asked what I wanted for my birthday; I responded with an apathetic shrug and murmur about an Amazon gift certificate or some such nonsense. Of course, when my friends ask me what I want, I get straight to the point — I want to get laid.

Maybe I'm just saying it for shock value, but come on, we're all friends here. And who doesn't want to get them some? It's not like I'm wishing for the end of world hunger. It's a tangible, realistic request.

But you see, I've decided to put my sexual life on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. This doesn't mean I'll stop dating and spending time with the opposite sex — far from it. It's just now that I'm pushing 30, I want to take it slow before I hop into bed with someone new.

When I confronted a girlfriend with this news during happy hour, her eyes widened and she asked naively, "You're not waiting for marriage, are you?"

I slowly leaned forward and sardonically whispered, "Honey, with my commitment issues, if I did that, they'd have to dust the cobwebs from my minge when they put me in my single plot."

This has nothing to do with saving myself, or waiting for the one. I just think I need a break. While the majority of guys can go out, pick up a chick, shtup her rotten and move on, I've never been able to do that. Sure, I've tried to act all nonchalant, but the pride is false, and I just end up feeling the Catholic guilt I inherited from my mom.

My girlfriend continued with her barrage of questions. "So, you don't want to sleep with anyone new, but how about guys you've been with before?"

Well, been there, done that, and it's never a good idea. How are you supposed to move on when you keep returning to the past? It's a mental step back in evolution, and I am determined to grow from bittersweet failures.

She huffed in frustration, and lifted her hands, "So why then? Don't you like it anymore?"

"Of course I like it! But that's why I'm taking a break. I want it to mean something again."

It's all too easy nowadays to be a single girl, go out and find casual sex, but what does that do to the act itself? In my eyes, it devalues it a little. When you take sex for granted, it loses its luster. I want to respect the intimacy between myself and someone else before I take that next step. And I truly believe if I take my time getting there, the sex will be that much better and much more worth it.

"Is that such a crazy thing to think?!" I exclaimed as I slapped a palm down on the oak bar.

"No, sorry." Taking note of my obvious sexual frustration, she quickly changed the subject, "So what's your mom getting you for your birthday?"

"I dunno. I mentioned something about an Amazon gift certificate to her."

"Y'know," she smirked. "They sell vibrators."

If a God does indeed exist, she works in mysterious ways.

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