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THE CHASE IS ON ‌ Paging Dr. Laura

I got your "self-help" right here



Self-help books are bullshit. I think it's great if someone wants to "get healthy," but relying on He's Just Not That Into You to help you through a relationship crisis is not right. But yet there it sits on my bookshelf, covered in dust, with a barely cracked spine.

Advice should be given on a case-by-case basis, not made generic for millions of lost singles. So I have created my own personal list of "10 things not to do" to keep handy while I continue my adventures in dating.

1. Never lend him money.
Take this from a girl who has been nothing but generous with her own measly earnings. Before you know it, you're over a grand in the hole and chances are, he'll deny that he owes you anything. But if you still insist on loaning him money, do me a favor and carry a receipt book in your purse.

2. Don't let him talk to you like that!
Maybe it's just my sadomasochistic streak, but I've repeatedly found myself in some mentally and emotionally draining situations. Any guy who feels he has the right to belittle and insult you without taking personal inventory of himself has to go.

3. Don't use sex as a Band-Aid.
C'mon now, we've all done it. I like make-up sex as much as the next gal, but most times, nothing is ever actually "made up." I bet Britney and K-Fed used sex as a Band-Aid, and look what happened there!

4. Once it's over, it's over.
I know you're lonely, but chances are it ended for a good reason. Granted, I know two couples who each took a three-year break before getting back together, but still, that's three whole years. Not six purple woo-woos, a weekend in Myrtle Beach, and a drunken booty call.

5. Don't put up with someone who is not supportive.
My comedy work is extremely important to me. I have great friends who will unquestionably come see any show I'm in, and I would hope that the man I'm giving up the punanny to on a regular basis would want to come, too. One guy I dated actually opted out of going to one of my most important performances just so he could go smoke pot with his buddies. How can I compete with Mary Jane?

6. Don't forget about your friends.
When you're in love, you have blinders on. It's like you've cut yourself off from the rest of the world. Pretty soon, your friends will have branded you a flake, and you won't have any shoulders to cry on once that relationship ends.

7. Don't let paranoia take hold.
Sure, I have a little conspiracy theorist in me, so I'm often over-analytical, which just feeds into my paranoia. Sometimes a missed phone call is just a missed phone call.

8. Give the nice ones a chance.
'Nuff said.

9. Don't try to be your ex's friend.
Not right away, at least. You both need time to cool down and emotionally move on. If you try to jump on the friendship wagon too soon, it will lead to one of two things — fighting or fucking. It'll be like a goddamned episode of The Real World.

10. You
do deserve better.
It ain't easy, but it shouldn't be an uphill battle either. It's fine to compromise, but don't lower your standards.

Now, write up your own list, tape it by the bathroom mirror, and read it aloud every day. Remember, the best advice to follow is always your own.

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