When I agreed to write this column, I made a pact with myself. I promised that I would always try to be as honest as possible, regardless of personal repercussions. I'm the last person in the world who should be writing about relationships and dating considering my past and current status, but luckily this isn't an advice column. I like to consider it more of a collection of observational and sometimes cautionary tales. That being said, I feel the need to reveal something very frank, serious, and painfully embarrassing — I have found myself falling for a married man.
Now before you start checking your phone records, let me assure you that this indiscretion is with no one in this city, let alone state. My particular situation started innocently, as they always do, with a simple friendship developed through e-mail which led to an occasional phone call. Our lengthy conversations about professional interests and endeavors eventually turned personal, and pretty soon I found myself emotionally invested in our exchanges.
Yep, I'm a classic Freudian wet dream. Having grown up in a broken home, it's no wonder I'm attracted to a married man. Women who grew up with any feelings of abandonment from their fathers generally find themselves giving into a little emotional alchemy by trying to resolve the past in a twisted Oedipal type of way. Daddy fixation aside, I'm a busy girl and a commitment-phobe. Of course I'm going to be attracted to someone who isn't available — sporadic emotional attention fills the void just enough. Plus, he's not around, period. I don't have to put up with his common quirks, relentless questioning, and dirty skid-marked tighty-whities on the floor. In fact, this is probably the most functional relationship I've ever had, if you can even call it a "relationship."
It's not like I went looking for a married man to flirt with — that type of random maliciousness is just not in me. I also have many platonic friendships with married male friends and their wives. I believe in the institution of marriage. I believe that those who are married should honor their commitment and not have affairs. But you can't help who you have feelings for, no matter how wrong it may be. A large part of me wishes he just turned out to be a complete jackass so that I could've gone about my business without giving him a second thought.
As for his feelings on my misguided crush, let's just say I prefer not to bring up the fact that there is a large elephant in the room. Never mind the flirting and innuendo, ignorance is bliss, my friends, and I choose to be blissful.
Why am I revealing this? Because the only way to make sense of a situation is to lay it out. The first step to coping with alcoholism is admitting you are an alcoholic, and I'm choosing to deal with this in much the same way. Just like an addict, I find myself obsessively checking my voice mail and inbox for that quick fix so I can breath a sigh of relief and get through the rest of the day. Love is one helluva drug and hopefully we can all learn something from this soap-opera come-to-life. Stay tuned.