How do you make a liberal Democrat cry? Tell him some good news.
Mention the amazing state of the American economy — low unemployment, rising wages, and record-setting per-household wealth — and he'll angrily fling his $4 bottle of Fiji in your face.
Show him the new NASA numbers debunking the "it's the hottest decade on record" global warming panic, and he'll kick at you with rain forest footwear.
Quote USA Today's report that large al-Qaeda-style attacks in Iraq are down nearly 50 percent since the surge began, and he may punch you with a "Peace Now" bumper sticker.
You won't read it on the front of the The State, and you sure won't hear it from cranky Keith Olbermann, but there is actually good news in the world. And it's putting the Left in a foul mood.
Take the Karl Rove resignation. After years of demanding the Evil Genius's head on a pike, the Bush-bashers are finally getting a Rove-free White House. He's leaving Washington, his reputation largely in tatters. Great news for the Left — and they're miserable about it.
OK, so Rove hasn't been indicted or convicted. And Congress has yet to bring back public flogging or the stocks in anticipation of the Boy Genius's demise. But he's gone — can't you enjoy the moment?
Instead, the MoveOn.org goons grumble that Rove is off planning the controlled demolition of the Sears Tower in time for the '08 elections.
What's wrong with acknowledging or — as strange as this may sound — even celebrating the good news that is part of the American story of 2007? Why does the prospect of happy, healthy Americans make liberals so very, very sad?
Take the economy — please! Seriously, my lefty friends, take a good look at the wealth of the average American household. As economist Larry Kudlow reports: "With a record 146 million men and women working, and the unemployment rate at a historically low 4.6 percent, the American labor force has increased its after-tax real income by a whopping $257 billion."
And then there's the coming global climate apocalypse, that will flood our cities, drown our food supplies, and — horrors — bother the polar bears!
So the breaking news last week that NASA was forced to revise their panic-inspiring temperature records downward after an independent analyst uncovered a computer glitch — that should be good, right? The Gore-ism about 1998 being the "hottest year on record" simply isn't true. In fact, it's not even the hottest year of the century — 1934 is.
Now that we know that temperatures have been flat since 1998, and that five of the hottest years in the past century occurred before WWII, shouldn't Al Gore be cheering? At least cracking a smile?
Apparently not. Instead, the new, more accurate temperature readings were dismissed as irrelevant, or denounced as a trick funded by Big Oil.
It seems some Democrats just aren't going to be happy until we're all broke, sunburned, and sending our last child off to defeat in Iraq.
Speaking of Iraq, South Carolina's own Rep. Jim Clyburn — the third-highest ranking Democrat in Congress — has already warned that a positive report from Gen. Petraeus regarding the surge would be "a problem for us." He has reason to worry. Fewer Americans soldiers are dying, more Iraqis are supporting their mission, and sectarian deaths are declining.
Let's hope, for the sake of our troops, that the political "problems" for the Democrats continue uninterrupted. For the sake of America, let's hope all the "bad news" about the economy and global warming does, too.