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THE JEW-GOODER ‌ Fumbling vegetarian

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I've always heard of a "public cry for help". And that is exactly what this is...my public cry for help. My problem???

I'm a "Vegetarian" that keeps falling off the wagon.

I'm not sure if an intervention would help. However, I like the thought of a bunch peaceful folks showing up at my door with kind thoughts, fruits and vegetables to lead me away from my meaty animal friends.

I have a co-hort, noted genius and comedian, Brandon Ficara. Master Ficara says "You know why people eat cows? Because they're slow...and delicious."

And Brandon's right "slow and delicious" is a very bad combination for an animal. "Uncatchable and sublime" is the way to go if you are an animal. Jaguar could easily be the tastiest meat on the planet. And be sure to let me know when you figure how to catch a Jag and broast him over an open spit.

We eat cows because they are defenseless. A cows only defense against being eaten by humans are their long, elegant eyelashes. Perhaps 1 out of every 800,000 meat packers will one day look at a cow and go "Gee, those eyelashes remind me of a young Brooke Shields." Then the cow might be in for a bad day in another way. Still, it's better than ending up served in chunks, pieces and mash.

For awhile, I was calling myself a "modified Vegetarian" which meant that I would only eat animals that would eat me.

I surf and am well aware that a fish WILL eat me. In fact, often as I surf I feel that fish are appraising my vunerability. I can easily imagine a bluefish or blacktip shark going.."Hmmm, his swimming seems a bit weak, perhaps I'll take a chunk off his ass."

During my days, as a "modified Veg", I would also on occassion eat chicken with my thought being that if I laid down in the country long enough, chickens would come across me and slowly peck me to death. And then the chicks would go in for the soft parts.

I have been able to keep away from eating cows for 20 years because frankly, a cow has never done anything bad to me. Oh, some could argue that cows gaseous output destroys the ozone. And while I love protection from the suns deadly gamma rays I cannot start eating ALL things that harm the ozone. I cannot wrap my mind around the image of me eating aerosol cans like a goat and then heading to North Chuck to eat some white collar Industrial polluters.

Perhaps one day, a cow will do something awful to me, like cheat me in a land deal and then I will eat him.

I try to follow two basic rules for not eating meat. Do NOT go where it is sold and do NOT allow it in your house.

This is also why I do not keep prostitutes in my house. I don't want the temptation.

However, I have a problem with my hidden "meat habit" and this problem is my ten year old son, Gabriel. Don't get me wrong, Gabriel is just like his Mother, healthy, smart and attractive. In fact, I have no idea why Gabriel is healthy because he only eats three things...pancakes, cereal and chicken.

Gabriel hasn't eaten cow since he was 6 when his Mother convinced him after about his 500th delicious hamburger that he would catch mad cow disease with his next bite of bovine. I can't wait till Gabriel grows up to discover that he was more likely to win the PowerBall and a U.S. Senate seat on the same day than ever catch mad cow disease.

Still, Gabriel does love chicken and I cannot deny it to him as it would be the same as sentencing him to death by starvation.

And I know that there are exactly 2 reasons why I fall off the wagon for these morsels that marinate in barb-b-que sauce and occassionally garlic. 1- I am weak. 2- It is there.

I've given it my deepest thought and I believe that I know why there aren't more Vegetarians. It's because sausage and steak and all other meat products have become exactly that...a "product".

Neatly wrapped sausages and steaks seem no more like an actual pig or cow than I seem like a pig or cow. If the next time you went to the "Pig" and they actually handed you a pig, and told YOU to kill it with a chainsaw, we would have a lot more Vegetarians.

No matter how much you like steak, if someone hands you a cow and a hammer, you'll probably just go "Ahhh Hell with it, I was in the mood for a salad."

So this is my confession. I am a lax and oft fallen Vegetarian. Please contact me with suggestions, set-up a "Veggie intervention" or at least let me keep Gabriel's chicken at YOUR house.

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