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THE JEW-GOODER ‌ Jew-up cola

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I e.mailed my friend, the philosopher-King, Louis Jackson about my desire to start my own cola brand to be called "Happy, Happy Cola", "Happy Bum Cola" or perhaps "Jew Juice". Should it be "He-brew Cola"?

And I got this response from the smartest man I know...

Careful on the Coke alternatives. Every third world, socialistic, anti-globalism - ie, anti-US country on the planet has its own renamed cola beverage. The Iranians make Zam-Zam Cola, the Saudis have Mecca Cola and my favorite, Muslim Up, are just a few of the anti-Coke brands out there.
I thought for sure that Kemp was kidding. Certainly, I know that there is a great deal of anti-U.S. sentiment. Heck, there's plenty of anti-U.S . sentiment right here in the U.S.A., some even in my own house, but there couldn't be "Zam-Zam", "Mecca" and "Muslim Up" brand colas? As usual, I was wrong.

There are most definitely all of the above cola brands worldwide, wow.

So, allow me to take you on a trip through the world of cola. Perhaps "Jew Juice" Cola to benefit worldwide Orphans may be here soon.

ZAM-ZAM COLA:

Created in Iran in 1979 after the Islamic Revolution, it was originally an outreach of Pepsi in 1954. Zamzam looks like a can of Pepsi in it's red, white and blue colors. Odd color choice for an anti-America product. It would be as if nude female wrestlers in Iran fought in huge pools of apple pie.

OK, there probably aren't many nude female wrestlers in Iran, but a man can dream.

Zamzam is sold in Europe and parts of Asia. And even more popular that burning George Bush in effigy.

MECCA COLA:

Created in 2002 France, inspired by Zamzam Cola and now headquartered in Dubai of the United Arab Emirates. It's founder, Tawfik Mathlouthi, started Mecca Cola with $27,000 after Zamzam refused to sell him marketing rights to France and England.

Mecca Cola's aim is to aid Palestinians against "fascist Zionists". Their claim is that they do not desire to make profits but rather "help others" and promise profits to "recognized humanitarian charities" such as UNICEF, European NGO's and others that work in Palestinian territories. I believe their slogan is "Building schools and bombs".

The actual activist slogan for Mecca Cola is "No more drinking stupid, drink with commitmen!!.". Not exactly "Have a Coke and a smile." or "Enjoy Coke" but the slogan "Drink to the death of all Americans!!" was already trademarked by Yassir Arafat in 1974.

To my understanding, Mecca Cola is already selling hundreds of millions of bottles of their product. Approximately, the same amount of Coca-Cola that I drink annually.

Mecca Cola asks it's users that it not be mixed with alcohol in keeping with Muslim law. And Muslim women must drink Mecca Cola through their burkas, giving it a "nutty, dirty" flavor.

MUSLIM UP:

Also a French based company. (And some Americans dislike the French???)

Muslim Up claims to be a "peaceful Islamic product" designed to fight injustice and spread peace to all mankind. Still, they are very critical of U.S. foreign policy especially in Iraq and call themselves "Neo-executioners".

"Peace to all" and "Neo-executioners" it doesn't mesh well in the same sentence, does it? Perhaps it's the translation and "Neo-executioner" means "gentle like a breeze" in Saudi Arabia.

Muslim Up considers themselves to be "an alternative to Zionist products and U.S. trademarks". Muslim-Up comes in three flavors of soft drink, six types of juice and five blood types of Jews.

Wow. Lotta hate out there. No wonder I stay home

Maybe, it is time to start my own beverage with love for everyone.

Coming soon to a synagogue, deli and grocery near you, our delicious cola..."Jew Up". There are plenty of possible slogans.

1- Do you have a thirst for peace? We do..."Jew Up".

2- Aren't we all thirsty for peace? "Jew-Up"

Or simply...

3- Do the Jew.

"Jew Up"...everybody!

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