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THE USUAL SUSPECTS ‌ No Bush? No Problem!

The Democrats have big plans

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The following is the future of America as envisioned by the Democratic Party. It is based on the assumption, frequently stated by Howard Dean, numerous U.S. Senators, and the editorial page of the New York Times, that the cause of the terror threat (if there is one) and the current state of the world is the presidency of George W. Bush:

• Tuesday, November 7th, 2006: Win Democratic majorities in the House and Senate.

• Wednesday, November 8th, 12:01am: First House subcommittee meets to consider impeachment of President George W. Bush. House parliamentarian points out that the new Congress doesn't actually take power until after January 1. Subcommittee retires to Rep. Patrick Kennedy's place for martinis and Ambien.

• Wednesday, November 8th, at dawn: Soon-to-be former U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman narrowly avoids being shot by a firing squad when all five Democrats involved turn out to be supporters of gun control.

• January 1, 2007: Democrats formally take control of Congress. Their first budget withholds all future money for U.S. troops in Iraq, and the Bush administration is forced to accept a mandatory withdrawal date of June 1, 2007.

• June 2007: Iraqi insurgents respond by immediately laying down their arms and supporting the elected government in Baghdad. Suicide bombings end, Iran and Syria stop supporting the insurgency, and the former members of Al-Qaeda in Iraq commemorate the occasion by sponsoring an Iraqi version of Dancing With The Stars featuring mixed Shia/Sunni couples, and Tucker Carlson.

• July 2007: Congress suspends payments for all Bush policies related to the "so-called War on Terror," but votes to deploy massive numbers of troops into Afghanistan, "where the terrorists REALLY are," says Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton.

• Fall 2007: With more than 100,000 American soldiers swarming over Tora Bora, what are believed to be the remains of Osama bin Laden are discovered in a mountain cave, along with his trademark military flak jacket and a well-worn manual on animal husbandry with mildly erotic notations in the margins.

The death of Osama brings all worldwide terror to an end. The remnants of the Taliban surrender. They agree to support the Afghan democracy and even accept the return of music and television to Afghanistan, "other than programs featuring Tucker Carlson dancing."

• January 2008: Impeachment proceedings against President Bush grind to a halt as Democratic leaders are unable to prevent Dick Cheney from becoming president. Congress and the White House strike an historic arrangement in which President Bush remains in office, but Vice President Cheney spends the remainder of his term as a detainee in Guantanamo Bay. Six months later, an angry Sen. Schumer is disappointed to learn that there really wasn't any torture at Gitmo.

• Spring 2008: Congressional Democrats push through a bill to pay for every Jew in Israel to be moved via military transport to West Palm Beach, Fla. — as long as it's in time for the 2008 presidential election.

• Election Day, 2008: The Clinton/Al Gore electoral landslide sweeps every state except Utah and South Carolina. Both states are immediately declared in violation of the Voting Rights Act and federal troops — recently returned from Iraq — impose martial law until a Democratic majority can be put into place. "As local Democratic voters stand up, American troops will stand down," President Hillary Clinton promises the people of Utah.

• JANUARY 2009: With Democrats in control of Congress and the White House, the terrorist threat is declared officially over. Standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier under a banner reading "Mission REALLY Accomplished," President Clinton announces that a peaceful Palestinian government is preparing to take over all the land that used to be Israel. Hamas will commemorate the event by breaking ground on a new synagogue and hosting a Barbra Streisand film festival in Gaza.

In Arab countries, Hezbollah has disbanded and Islamist clerics have abandoned their call for violent jihad and instead are hosting cable TV programs, taking advantage of the new press freedoms announced by Iran, Saudi Arabia, and others after Bush's ousting. "Forget 'Death to America!," said one former Islamist in Damascus. "We're all watching The Iron Imam! What that man can do with a loin of goat..."

Finally, with Democrats in power, Iran suddenly no longer wants nuclear weapons. Neither does North Korea. Without the Bush administration, oil companies can no longer manipulate gas prices, which plunge to $1 a gallon. George W. is gone, and all is right with the world. This is the Democrats' plan for America's future.

If they have any other plan, it has not been made public as of this time.

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