The end is nigh. The apocalypse is surely imminent. The world will soon be over — it has to be. Why, you ask? Well, here's why: Kevin Federline has his own search engine.
You remember Kevin Federline; he's the no-good ex-husband of Britney Spears, the back-up dancer from Fresno, Calif., who has four kids by two different women and hasn't even seen his 30th birthday yet. You get the feeling he smells like Cheetos, doesn't bathe very often, and frequently used to spell Brit's name wrong on the Valentine's Day cards he gave her two days late. I bet after you've shaken his hand, you're seized with an uncontrollable urge to wash yours. With the strongest anti-bacterial soap on the market.
And now the guy has his own search engine, "Search With Kevin," which you can find at www.searchwithkevin.prodege.com, if you're so inclined — and frankly I don't know why you would be. The splash page features a rather louche Federline relaxing in what appears to be a velvet smoking jacket with a glass of something icy and alcoholic at his side and a deck of cards spread out before him. An image of his much-maligned debut CD, Playing with Fire, hovers in the left-hand corner, like the turd that just won't flush. Honestly, I don't know why he'd want to be reminded of it.
The premise, it seems, is that every time you use Search With Kevin to look up the answer to your internet-related quandary, rather than, say, Google or Yahoo! Search, your name is entered into a drawing. (Personally, I suspect this is just K-Fed's way of trying to get your number so he can call you and harass you for a few bucks and maybe a cigarette or two, but whatever.)
Every day, the genuises behind Search With Kevin — and really, who are these web programmers creating D-list celebrity search engines and how can they sleep at night? — pick random winning times. If you're the first person to search after the selected time, you instantly win a prize. To up your chances of winning, you can even install a Search With Kevin toolbar on your desktop. Can you imagine having a Search With Kevin toolbar on your desktop? And how that might make you lose the will to live?
If you're "lucky" enough to be chosen as one of K-Fed's winners — and how could you not be, there must be about four people using this thing — you'll be rewarded with a prize, like a K-Fed T-shirt, an autographed copy of Playing With Fire, or (gasp!) the chance to be entered into a drawing that could result in you being invited to Kevin Federline's birthday party. Ooh, pick me, pick me!
Just one caveat: although you can use Google or Yahoo! Search to look up pretty much anything on the web, Search With Kevin will only allow you to ask questions related to rapping, boozing, and bling. Well, all right, not really, but wouldn't that actually be sort of awesome?
Holly Burns frequently "K-Feds" things now, rather than "Googling" them. Find her on the web at www.nothingbutbonfires.com.