I'm an eternal optimist. A believer that our best days are truly ahead of us. A staunch advocate in the power of mankind to come together and solve our collective problems. The kind of guy that looks at that urine sample and sees a container that's half-full, not half-empty.
And so for me, the first year of the Trump administration has truly been one of the most remarkable times in the history of our nation. Not a day has gone by when I haven't marvelled at the sheer amount of schadenfreude that each day brings.
Sometimes, I've laughed so hard I've cried. Other times, I've found myself in the fetal position on the floor unable to stop the guffaw-induced stomach cramps. And on at least one occasion, I've stayed up all night drinking Manhattans out of a My Little Pony teapot because I had grown mad with laughter, certain that life couldn't get any better.
But then the next day would arrive and I would discover I was wrong. Yesterday's joy was but a setup to an even bigger punchline.
Which is why I'd like to reminisce with you about all the laughs we've had over the course of President Donald Trump's first year in office.
1. The inauguration. Jan. 20, 2017 set the tone for the rest of the year. There was the pained look on Melania's face as all of her worst nightmares came true. And The Donald's bizarre, jingoistic speech that even an intellectual lightweight as George W. Bush described as "some weird shit." But nothing quite topped former press secretary Sean Spicer's repeated insistence that the paltry turnout for the swearing in ceremony was, in fact, some sort of collective hallucination — what you and I saw as a shockingly small crowd, Spicer saw as a massive swarm of unknowable multitudes. From this point on, up was down and down was WTF.
2. The park system revolts. While former Hillary campaign workers cobbled together the Resistance — a cynical, Democratic Party cash-grab — the true revolutionaries in the early days of the Trump presidency ended up coming from the most unlikely source: the National Parks Service. When a national park account dared to tweet a visual comparison of the difference sizes of Inauguration Day crowds for The Donald and former President Barack Obama, the Trump administration shut down the social media accounts for each and every park. The park rangers revolted by setting up "alt" accounts, each one ridiculing the president — often with just cold hard facts.
3. Covfefe. Honestly, no one has ever figured this out. No one. And because of that, covfefe remains one of the Trump administration's most baffling and enduring mysteries.
4. The wiretap tweets. In March, Trump launched one of his first presidential Twitter rants, this one asserting that Obama had wiretapped Trump Tower during the campaign. Trump compared the news to "Nixon/Watergate" and called the former POTUS a " bad (or sick!) guy." As would become par for the course, Trump said he had proof, claimed he was going to produce it, and then didn't.
5. Trump meets Merkel. While a photograph of the American president strolling hand in hand with German Chancellor Angela Merkel initially pointed toward a rekindling of a longstanding but strained alliance, we later learned that Trump had actually asked Merkel if he could hold her hand because he was scared to walk down stairs. Scared. To walk down stairs. Oy covfefe.
6. The firing of James Comey. Two days after Trump fired FBI Director Comey, the president tried to discredit the lawman's account of his troubling interactions with the POTUS by intimating that he had tapes of their conversations. Trump didn't.
7. Staring at the eclipse. Glasses? Trump don't need no stinkin' glasses.
8. Anthony Scaramucci. If the Mooch didn't exist, we would have to invent him.
9. Trouble with geography. Hey Donald, Nambia is not a country. (P.S. I don't want you on my Trivia Pursuit team.)
10. Charlottesville. For Pete's sake, he called Nazis very fine people.
11. An Omarosa scorned. After being fired from her White House job, the former Apprentice contestant reportedly tried to sneak back into the building, only to be discovered and dragged away by security. As we go to press, word is circulating that she may have recorded Trump administration conversations and is actively shopping for legal representation.
12. Rocket Man. When Kim Jong-un can throw shade your way and most Americans agree with him, then you know you've hit rock bottom. Unless you're Donald Trump.
13. Meeting yourself. Following the one-two punch of Hurricanes Irma and Maria, Trump met with Kenneth Mapp, a man the president referred to as the "president of the Virgin Islands." One problem: Trump is the president of the Virgin Islands. Mapp is just the governor of the U.S. territory.
14. Shithole countries. I'll break this one down in a language that everybody here can easily understand: Trump is a racist.
15. The traitor. Steve Bannon was a larger than life figure in the Trump administration. However it was Bannon's comments to journalist Michael Wolff that may have the most long-term impact. In Wolff's Fire and Fury, Bannon reportedly called Don Jr.'s meeting with a Russian nogoodnik "unpatriotic" and "treasonous." While Bannon later offered a more favorable opinion of D.J., he never denied his statements to Wolff.
16. Sharknado. Perhaps the most stunning revelation about Trump's alleged year-long dalliance with the porn star Stormy Daniels is that he's afraid of sharks. Maybe that's what's at the bottom of the stairs.