Grandma hatin' on blue beauty thief

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This is an open letter to the asshole who stole a bike off our porch under the night's dark cover.  You can't hide your shame!  "Hate" is an awfully strong word and my grandma always taught me not to use it, but I'm going to go ahead and throw some hate at you (anonymously and passive-aggressively, of course).  Speaking of Grandma, know what else she taught me?  Not to steal!  I apologize if you didn't have as wonderful a relationship with your family as I do, but that is no excuse to steal the blue beauty from our porch.  I guess now that I'll be walking to work, I'll have twice as much time to enjoy some tunes on my iPod (thanks for not nabbing that).  I will find you, jerk.  And when I do, I will turn my head to the side and avoid any recognition that I know who you are because I am scared of strangers...

Oh, and by the way!  Were you really in such a hurry to make a clean get-away that you had to steal part of our porch railing?  Our landlord holds us accountable for that shit, you know.

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